Okay, I know. Really I do.

I’m a jerk. Just say it. But I have a valid excuse! Y’know this thing called college? Yeah, well in case you weren’t aware it’s probably the biggest time-suck in the universe. I apologize for not updating but after I abandoned Facebook I also decided to abstain from the internet in general in order to focus on my school work.  So naturally, this blog sort of fell to the wayside. But no longer!

I got off to a rocky start this semester, which was fine until my body decided to stop working properly. I’ve been to the doctor more times this month than I have in the past couple years. Everything’s fine now though, but my bad health just came at a really inconvenient time. Like every semester at Columbia I find it difficult to concentrate on anything. I end up wasting my entire weekend doing absolutely nothing. Well, not entirely. I did watch a full season of Doctor Who in a couple days time.

The issue really, is that it’s the middle of the semester and I don’t have a handle on important things like my screenplay (we have to write a feature length manuscript from scratch in 17 weeks) or my Lighting I class. It’s frustrating because I know I’m capable of performing at levels that are well above average but I never seem to find the motivation to get there. That was one of the reasons I decided to hide from the internet, so I could work. And I have been working, but I feel like I’m not making any progress.

My mother posed a question to me the other day, she said maybe this isn’t what I should be doing, maybe it’s not what I’m meant to be doing. But I’m not so sure I know what that is anymore. I love film. I love being behind the camera but when it comes to learning the technical ins and outs of lighting it scares me shitless. That class, while entertaining (I’m the only female and the boys are just a bunch of goofballs), never fails to make me lose confidence in my abilities once a week. Like clockwork. And then my screenwriting class wouldn’t be a problem if it didn’t take me so goddamn long to actually get anywhere. I’m a good writer. An excellent writer in fact, and my professor Susanna has so much confidence in me it’s near crippling when I don’t live up to her expectations.

I realize I’m probably being a big baby and I just need to suck it up and get shit done. Which, let’s be honest, is easier in theory than in practice. But that’s life.

And I’m sorry that my first post in weeks is kind of super ranty. I promise not to disappear for so long again.

And so begins a new semester

I wasn’t planning on updating until tomorrow, after I’d been to the first of all of my classes, but a certain Miss Tate has spurred me into action a day early.

Anyway, nothing terribly exciting to report yet. I had my Screenwriting II class yesterday evening, which I’ve been looking forward to for months and months. Every writing class I’ve had at Columbia I always take with Susanna Kirby. She pulled me up out of the murk of self-doubt and showed me what I was capable of. Which ended up being a whole hell of a lot more than I originally thought. Besides being one of the single greatest professors I’ve ever known, I also consider her a great friend. So you can understand why I stick with her. I don’t know if that’s hindering my growth as a writer, not exposing myself to different styles of teaching and different levels of experience, but when you have something good you don’t really want to fuck it up. And I don’t gravitate towards her because she’s easy or lenient, quite the opposite in fact. Susanna brings out the best in me, challenges me creatively, and isn’t forgiving when it comes to critiques. I’m excited to go to her class every week. Excited. Need I say more? ‘Cause I could go on…but I’ll spare you, for now.

This semester we’re writing a script for a feature film, which quite frankly scares the shit out of me. Writing two short films last year was draining enough, I can’t even imagine what this particular slice of hell is going to be like. But I’m totally game. I mean, obviously I need the skills if I ever want to do this professionally. Doesn’t make it any less daunting though. I have to write two proposals for next Wednesday, so those will most likely be posted here if I don’t think they’re made entirely of excrement. Feedback is always welcome.

Then this morning I had the distinct pleasure of waking up before the sun to get ready for my Aesthetics of Cinema class, which I have unfortunately already taken. Due to me having a mental freak-out my first semester at Columbia, I had to take a powder and accept a failing grade. Lucky for me it’s a required class and now I get to experience the endless fun all over again. I was thrilled when I learned there were two (TWO!) films on the syllabus that I hadn’t already seen from last time or through my own viewing. So that keeps things exciting. Our professor is the equivalent of a kindergarten teacher, or someone from Sesame Street. Which makes it more difficult for me to want to skip classes and other such delinquent activities. Sweet people are hard to be mean to. If she were a bitch, that would be another story entirely. (I hope you realize that this is all sarcasm). I can’t say I’m looking forward to re-watching most of the same films, but at least when it comes to assignments I’ve got my bases covered. Oh, and even better: My entire class is comprised of morons. But that isn’t surprising.

Well, that ended in a slightly less positive way than I wanted it to, but hey. Tomorrow morning I have Lighting I in the new film studio the school just built. I’m intrigued and a little intimidated. But, after all, I’m here to learn. At least, I think that’s the point. Right?