I’m a jerk. Just say it. But I have a valid excuse! Y’know this thing called college? Yeah, well in case you weren’t aware it’s probably the biggest time-suck in the universe. I apologize for not updating but after I abandoned Facebook I also decided to abstain from the internet in general in order to focus on my school work. So naturally, this blog sort of fell to the wayside. But no longer!
I got off to a rocky start this semester, which was fine until my body decided to stop working properly. I’ve been to the doctor more times this month than I have in the past couple years. Everything’s fine now though, but my bad health just came at a really inconvenient time. Like every semester at Columbia I find it difficult to concentrate on anything. I end up wasting my entire weekend doing absolutely nothing. Well, not entirely. I did watch a full season of Doctor Who in a couple days time.
The issue really, is that it’s the middle of the semester and I don’t have a handle on important things like my screenplay (we have to write a feature length manuscript from scratch in 17 weeks) or my Lighting I class. It’s frustrating because I know I’m capable of performing at levels that are well above average but I never seem to find the motivation to get there. That was one of the reasons I decided to hide from the internet, so I could work. And I have been working, but I feel like I’m not making any progress.
My mother posed a question to me the other day, she said maybe this isn’t what I should be doing, maybe it’s not what I’m meant to be doing. But I’m not so sure I know what that is anymore. I love film. I love being behind the camera but when it comes to learning the technical ins and outs of lighting it scares me shitless. That class, while entertaining (I’m the only female and the boys are just a bunch of goofballs), never fails to make me lose confidence in my abilities once a week. Like clockwork. And then my screenwriting class wouldn’t be a problem if it didn’t take me so goddamn long to actually get anywhere. I’m a good writer. An excellent writer in fact, and my professor Susanna has so much confidence in me it’s near crippling when I don’t live up to her expectations.
I realize I’m probably being a big baby and I just need to suck it up and get shit done. Which, let’s be honest, is easier in theory than in practice. But that’s life.
And I’m sorry that my first post in weeks is kind of super ranty. I promise not to disappear for so long again.
